How can anyone
Who has not
Been there understand
Those blackest moods?
Moods in which
The individual devoid
Of the will to
Live desires an
End, but can
Not acheive this
Goal because they
Are too bloody
Afraid to die!
How can anyone
Who has not
Been there understand
The turmoil and
The torment of
This tortured soul,
Being wrenched this
Way and that;
Being torn asunder
By conflicting emotions.
How can anyone
Who has not
Been there understand
All of that?
-
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September 23, 2006 at 4:16 pm
…and how can anyone who has been there begin to explain how they came through it.
September 23, 2006 at 7:24 pm
Bluelijn: oh how I wish there was someone out there who could explain how to get through it!
September 23, 2006 at 8:04 pm
I’ve seen this from inside and from outside. I have no idea how I got through it, all I can say is coming through made the world look the way it does after a rain storm, clean, colourful, refreshed. I’ve also been on the outside helping someone who felt that way…and I don’t think they will ever understand how it affects the people who love them.
I wish I could put my finger on how you come through something like this, all I have seen is that it takes time, it takes a lot of love and support and in the most severe case I have seen it also took enough drugs to knock out a horse, some therapy and some gradual life changes. But… I am happy to report that the aforementioned is now a happy, healthy, skilful person who makes a wonderful contribution to the lives of all those around them.
September 24, 2006 at 4:31 pm
David Duff, That seems a thoroughly unhelpful comment. I suggest you try doing all of those activities and keep your unkind thoughts to yourself.
September 24, 2006 at 4:56 pm
Bluelijn: thanks for the insight, nice to know that some people are trying to b constructive, even if others are too insensitive to read and understand what is written. Thanks Watcher I could not have put it more politely myself, it also means that I will not now have to resort the the good old fashioned Anglo Saxno which sprang immediately to mind…
September 24, 2006 at 5:00 pm
If I were the owner of this blog I would tell you to eff off where you came from frankly, Duff.
September 24, 2006 at 8:09 pm
DD. It’s one thing to disagree with the ‘main thrust’of an argument. It’s quite another to interject into a conversation’ on personal issues with spiteful comments.
On another issue, who is to say whether the value of writing exists solely for the reader or for the author through the exercise of creation…
BB. I believe it’s probably part of the nature of blogging that the anonymity of the structure acts as a magnet for anyone looking to flame or wound. Luckily these are not the only people online…
…I kind of want to ask questions or ask how you are doing, but don’t want to open you up to such insensitive comments. Nevertheless, I hope you are doing well today.
September 24, 2006 at 8:23 pm
“Yes, I think you’re probably right and so would I”. So why don’t you? And what makes you such a wonderful literary critic anyway? The standard of writing on your own blog is pretty crap after all…Now seriously, eff off and don’t come back.
September 24, 2006 at 8:35 pm
Thanks Bluelijn, DD is just a completely insensitive idiot, and not one that I feel inclined to enter into dialogue with, someone I would rather treat with the contempt that he deserves; if anyone is “self obsessed” then it is him. With regard to his literary criticism, well he will never make a living at it; I made no pretensions to great poetry, I simply put my thoughts into a readable form, if he doesn’t like it then the simple answer is that he doesn’t have to read it! In answer to your question, on a day to day basis I cope; the mood swings are what I find most difficult as they seem to run from hour to hour, from suicidal to merely wanting to curl up and sleep to being unable to communicate in any way… I will get there - eventually!
Thanks Watcher…
September 25, 2006 at 5:57 am
I really am very sorry that you are going through this terrible time Bondbloke. Do whatever you feel you can do including and especially writing poetry. This David Duff is one of the worst kind of people. That would kick a person when they are already on the floor. He is just being cruel for the sake of it. Anyway, his blog is called Duff and Nonsense. I think that says it all for me.
Take care you. I wish I could offer some profound insight or help but all I can do is keep you in my thoughts and let you know that I am looking out for you even though we have never met. (email me if there is anything I can do or you just want to rant)
Big hugs DD
September 25, 2006 at 7:21 am
Thanks Diva… The hugs are most appreciated and returned - I agree that Duff is all you say, but I have decided to treat hias comments with the contempt that they deserve and simply ignore them, although that does not mean that they don’t have they capacity to hurt me, because they do; FFS the man is so far up his own arse that he can’t see straight…
September 25, 2006 at 8:35 am
BB - Do you have people you can call/activities you can do that help you get through the darker moments? Have you spoken to anyone about any of this?
September 25, 2006 at 12:15 pm
Bluelijn: yes I have lots of support from my partner, I think that throwing myself back into painting might help a lot, also I have signed yup to a period of study which I am thinking will take my mind away from the darker thoughts, and have a quack’s appointment this week; so things are looking a little brighter even though only externally.
Believe me I do appreciate everyone’s concern, and it is good to know that people care.
September 25, 2006 at 8:30 pm
BB - good to hear you have new outlets and lots of support. I wish you both much strength
September 25, 2006 at 9:06 pm
Thanks Bluelijn I actually dug out a canvas earlier this evening, haven’t put any paint on the pallette yet, but it is a start…
September 29, 2006 at 12:06 pm
Probably no help at all, but in my own moments I find I result to details. Mind bogglingly miniscule details. Doesn’t matter what about. I’ve even been know to read computer programming books with excrutiating intensity from cover to cover. Otherwise, completely pointless, but it shifts the focus enough and allows me to tread water long enough to give the light time to return of its own accord.
September 29, 2006 at 12:33 pm
Simon - I’ve seen that help too, attention to detail to stop the mind wandering into darker areas, or doing activities that don’t require too much thought, but just enough attention to act as a distraction from thinking about things they didn’t want to think about.
Actually another close friend has basically resigned from normal life this week, probably due to depression. They are on those ‘enough to knock out a horse’ tablets, but still sitting inside with the curtains drawn, crying most of the time. It’s scary how many people deal with depression, on one level or another…
BB - How’s your painting coming along….?
September 29, 2006 at 4:04 pm
BB, just wanted to say thank you for sharing your poem. And ignore the spiteful old troll. He does it on purpose, probably because he couldn’t find any spiders in his bath to pull the legs off today.
September 30, 2006 at 5:23 pm
Thanks Simon: perhaps, as I am doing some art history courses, I should start looking at the “Mind bogglingly miniscule details” of paintings and analyse each little dab of paint…
Blulijn: it is most definitely thought that does the damage for me the more I think the worse it gets; and focusing on some mind-numbingly boring task is very useful. “BB - How’s your painting coming along….?” Well I have taped two photographs to the canvas and am still looking at them trying to decide which version of the subject to use…
Rachel: Thanks for the kind words, I find writing my thoughts, in whatever form, down gets them out of my head and makes them that much more tangible and therfore easier to deal with, ansd if others appreciate the words then that is a bonus. Duff probably couldn’t find the spiders because he had already bored them to death…
Thanks for all the support people, have been to the quack and once these pills kick in and I get rid of the bloody side effect (nausea) I should be back to something like normal; well as normal as someone who is completely barking mad can be.
October 1, 2006 at 11:05 am
And once BW gets back…